as the year 2017 is slowly coming to an end, I think it’s time to think back and summarise what has happened thus far.
So, I’m taking you with me. This might be chaotic, but I’ll just pour it all out here.
I began this year crying like crazy. Still not feeling one bit better really scared me, I was slowly reaching the end of my strength, the end of my will to fight any longer. I was devastated, I just couldn’t see a way out.
But in me, luckily, was and always will be a fighter and with all what was left of me, I went on searching for a cure.
I finally moved out of my flat. Giving up my studies in the last third of the undergraduate degree was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. But it was my only reasonable option.
Part of me wishes I would have just left after the first year. If I think back now, I was 100% sure then I wouldn’t pursue a career in that area and I was unhappy. Unhappy with my degree, with the town and also with the majority of the people (my friends excluded!).
On that note, if you ever truly feel like you don’t belong, if your gut urges you to let go, don’t be afraid to change your path!
I always finished what I started until that point, and that thought was the only thing keeping me going. But was it worth to sacrifice my life quality for my ego? No.
In February I found my hypnotherapist who could help me figure out missing information. I finally got some insight into why all this happened, how hurt I was and that there’s some kind of protection for me behind all that’s happening.
A few issues improved, e.g. my sleep was slightly better and I let go of anger and resentment I held on to from the past, both towards me and other people.
In March/April I tested for food intolerances, but the common one’s all came back negative. My toleration for food became worse and worse, leading to my absolute downfall in May.
I couldn’t even stomach plain rice or potatoes anymore without increased burning sensation in my belly.
You can imagine how I felt mentally.
But luckily, I found my holistic doctor through a fellow dancer’s cousin of my mother (See how the universe works?).
From May 19th until now, I got weekly injections with all nutrients I need to get back a functioning organism. Slowly, I got better physically and mentally.
With gaining more strength, this whole blog idea came to life.
I felt like I needed to put all that I have researched and experienced into a form that anybody could access if they needed help curing gastrointestinal issues. Or struggles with self perception, disordered eating, chronic fatigue, anxiety or any other kind of mentally challenging negative feelings and thoughts.
I’ve put all I had into learning how to build my own website, about SEO and just started writing down topics and ideas.
On July 7th, I officially launched my blog. I didn’t tell anyone about it besides my close family. You know, putting all of yourself out there for everyone to see, makes you vulnerable.
Especially admitting to failing, scratching open wounds that haven’t fully healed yet, is hard.
But social media is a superficial place and if I belong to the minority of people discussing controversal topics, so be it.
Little by little, I told friends about how I had spent my time and their reactions were warming my heart.
To be honest, I guess I still feared judgement of people personally knowing me and people’s opinions I care about more, than opinions of total strangers.
Until today, still, only a handful of my friends know about me blogging from me personally, although the news might have spread, because I obviously didn’t tell those to keep it a secret.
Apropos friends, when hard times struck, you can determine your real friends fairly quick. The real ones, care and/or reach out. Even though, me myself am the worst at staying in regular contact (sorry about that, but you know me and I still love you all for forgiving me this flaw!).
That being said, thank you for always asking if I’m alright, for being there (through kind messages/talks or in person) and/or putting a smile on my face!
And to my male bestie (you know who you are :D): You don’t even know how grateful I am for all the skype sessions and visits.
In August, I could bear hug my best friend (I haven’t seen her for 1 1/2 years), again. This was also the first time I had enough energy for 3 days of outings in a row, without having to make up for it with sleep and barely moving at all for equal amount of days.
Also, I found back my passion to photograph. I upgraded to a new camera, but had to wait to use it until end of September. In the meantime I took pictures and improved my skills with my first one.
Additionally, I started to enrol in a nutrition degree, opening the doors to a potential future as a dietitian.
October until December, I continually felt better, thus I increased spending time for passions like playing the guitar, recording music or photographing and meeting more friends.
One highlight definitely was seeing my friend from when I lived in Berlin again, after over 4 years. Still stunned by how much time has passed.
Thank you for reigniting my love to dancing and clubbing. And of course for hour-long talks. You don’t know how precious you are.
I literally almost cried right now thinking about how amazing my friends are and why each individually brings joy into my life.
Yes, friends are family we chose. And I need them, because my family is messy and also a struggle in my life, even though I love it deeply.
Which concludes my recap for 2017. The festivities. Christmas already lost its charm for me last year where we didn’t even sit together for a meal or barely talked to each other. This year the family is not complete, but at least we spent most of the day together.
As I write now, I’m still plagued with the same problems I started 2017. But my whole mindset is a different. Although I’m disappointed I’m not healed yet, I’m proud for everything I accomplished.
And who knows, there might be a wonder left for me before the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve 🙂
As for 2018, I’ll definitely be fully healthy without any stomach pain. I will have sufficient sleep and energy. I’ll be healed, kind of reborn. That’s my first and most important goal.
I will be able to pursue my passions, for now I’m seeing myself photographing and connecting with likeminded people.
I will visit my friends all around the world.
I will confront my fears.
I will do unexpected things.
I will spread love like it’s glitter.
I will follow my heart.
I will be me.
And you will be whatever you want to be.
What do you want to be/do in 2018?
Share in the comments below or write me an e-mail. Even better send me a direct message at @vam_po on instagram.
I hope you’ll have a wonderful rest of 2017. Until next year <3
PS: In 2018, I want to pour more of myself into the posts. I want them to include pictures I produced myself, I want them raw and honest. This means, I won’t post weekly anymore. I think quality is better than quantity.
A lot of things will change, but change is epic. Love you guys!