I actually really didn’t plan to write this post, but as the month January ends I feel like I have to.
I have to be honest with you.
January was quite successful for me as I just launched my official photography business 2 days ago and taking the leap of faith with it.
Besides that I’ve taken you along on my dancing journey, because I quite frankly decided to just ef my experience (I’n not allowed to use the word illness/sickness anymore, because word create your reality).
And you’ve seen I’ve enrolled in a HipHop class as well as doing Barre workouts regularly now.
No surprise, my body is always sore and tired now, but not because of exercise only. NO.
Because my undying creativity pops up at 4am and I just have to push my ideas through, otherwise I cannot sleep. (Not that I could anyways :D)
So, one of these creative projects obviously has been building all things related to my photography business, another one was recording and manually publishing my Alexa Flash Briefing’s (Daily – sadly only available in the German skill store (Folge deinem Herzen – Vam-po (detailed guide to enable it in my Instagram story highlights @vam_po )), and the other me trying to finish writing and learning how to properly record and publish a song 😀
Ok, so little back story:
When I was 14 years old I was taking voice lessons in Berlin and there was a Malagasy wedding my family would attend coming up.
Me, 14, always doing extraordinary things just because I was cool and not ashamed of ANYTHING 😀 thought it was a good idea to write the bride & groom a song and perform it at their wedding.
The idea was burnt into my head and like I said, I wrote that song.
Of course, being the oversharing person I was, I told my voice teacher about it and she wanted to hear it.
There I was, playing crappy selftaught guitar and singing my lyrics I was so proud of then and cringe about now.
To marry someone
is just an act, but to
love a special person like you
is the most valuable thing to do
That’s verse one 😀 If you’re interested in hearing the rest, I might just find a record of it somewhere in the basement 😀
Yes, my teacher convinced me I just HAD to record the song with her and we did.
She played a piano and percussion track over my guitar (still crappy :D) and in the end I had an instrumental and a CD version of it.
After that, first I had to perform it at an ‘open-mic-night’ kind of thing that my voice teacher organised, my first solo performance (I was in choir before) and then one day first at a wedding with about 300 people and at another wedding with 360 people.
What can I say…the couples were super happy and thankful (I even had to translate the text into Malagasy with the help of my mom, just because they wanted to have it in their mother tongue).
After that, I thought to myself one day: the best presents you can give people is something made from the heart.
So, for Christmas I decided, I want to gift a song to my parents.
I asked a friend if she’d like to cover ‘The Scientist’ with me and we did.
But, oh no, that obviously wasn’t enough for me.
I just absolutely HAD to make a music video too.
Said it, done it 😀
And, of course, my parents and her parents were super happy.
(Gosh, now I remember I once asked a boy if he’d be willing to be in a music video for ‘Forever & Always’ (the song above). OMG, I try to imagine what that would have looked like 😀
He was a good friend, but still, I’d probably cringe even more now if that existed :D)
Besides that I also wrote another song ‘Stay by me’, but this one I haven’t recorded.
In Berlin and in New York I started to cover songs. And through mutual interests and a strong friendship with Caro, I now had my partner in crime for stupid ideas (but honestly the best ones) like that.
Actually I think it was the first time we actually met up that I brought my guitar to her house and we recorded ‘Skin’ by Boy and ‘Falling Slowly’ by Glen Hansard. I miss those times.
We also recorded ‘Read all about it’ by Emeli Sande in NY.
And then when I was studying in Ulm, we recorded ‘Lost Stars’ by Adam Levine and Keira Knightley with a bit of Garageband action which wasn’t so crappy to be honest 🙂
Ok, so you know, I went through my experience, but before that something very important happened.
I stopped playing guitar. I stopped singing.
Dead obvious sign something wasn’t right with me.
So, when I was starting to heal I went back to the roots of what I know came from my intuition and my intuition alone, not influenced by external sources.
These things were, as you already know photography, dancing and music.
The 3 things have accompanied my whole life and I new going back and emerging my soul deep into them would bring me my salvation.
So, I started playing guitar again. I started singing again.
And then, I was in Lebanon. And there was my piano.
The last time I touched the keys of my piano was when I visited my dad and friends in NY, and Caro and I recorded ‘Latch’ by Sam Smith.
And I tried to remember the songs I learned from my voice/piano teacher. And I remembered.
Remembered how I used to sit there writing ‘Forever & Always’.
Day by day, melodies came to my mind, flowed through my fingertips and produced chord progressions.
I have started 4 songs and I stuck with one in particular. ‘Warriors’.
And I poured my soul into it, just the refrain, then the chorus and then I had to leave.
In November I reminded myself: ‘Hey, you wanted to finish your song until the end of the year’, but I didn’t.
By the time the end of December was coming near and I started the twelve nights after Christmas, I wrote it down as one of my wishes for 2019.
The short version for that ritual is:
You write down 13 or more wishes and in every one of the twelve night perform a meditation to connect to the angels and wish for messages in your dreams. In this ritual you also pick one piece of paper and either burn it or tape it in your notebook to the according month.
I decided on taping, because this way, I can use all my resources to help turn that goal into reality.
And now, guess what the paper for January (which I’m allowed to open after the twelve nights are over) said?
Correct, release my own songs.
Ok, if I am literal, I am only releasing one song. But then again, the whole flash briefing idea (for which I record content almost every day, is recording my thoughts and I am also singing a bit in one. So that counts, doesn’t it?
Long story’s short. You have the back story now and here you can listen to my song ‘Warriors’:
don’t take the text’s words and think about the literal meaning!
It’s full of symbolisms and I think it talks about a lot of painful topics, you can feel yourself and your situation in those syllables. Whether it is actual heartache, depression, abuse, grief etc. You get the gist.
What it has to do with healing:
I followed my passions, I went back inside. And that’s what you do when you feel like you aren’t yourself anymore. You search inside. For the first thing that was build through your intuition, and then the next, and then the next after. Until you realize, you are grounded again. Back in alignment with who you are. Back with clarity and ready to start the next chapter of your life.
So, I hope now with getting to the nitty gritty of my emotions, I can release the pain I have built myself.
That’s why it is, in fact, MY HEALING. And it can contribute to your healing too!
Let me know what you think about it.
This is probably the most vulnerable thing I have done, EVER.
But you can still be brutally honest, I know its not perfect in any sense, but it’s raw and authentic! It is ME.