I’ve been sitting here for the past 30 minutes contemplating if I should write a blogpost at all this week.
But that’s what I have always done. I’ve always been hiding my feeling, I’ve always been hiding my true emotions.
I’ve always tried to solve everything on my own.
And I made myself a promise. I’d let people more in. I’d le myself accept help, accept to show my softer side. Accept help.
I don’t want to be by myself through everything I feel all the time. But that means, I have to be entirely open and honest.
And that’s what I will be.
My inner child is hurting, because you know, I’ve had the worst commitment issues in the entire world (at least that’s what I always thought).
As a child I have felt neglected a lot, this was of course, due to my patchwork family situation.
But especially I felt like I needed to parent myself most of the time.
That lead to the emotional belief that whenever I let someone new in, I would get either hurt, left behind or both.
I sabotaged friendships, possible relationships, because I was so protective of myself, of my heart.
Thank god, my real and honest longterm friends wouldn’t let me go just like that and proved to me that attachment isn’t something I should fear.
In friendships at least I resolved my commitment issues.
But what’s with love and partnership?
Yeah I asked that myself as well.
Which is why I left my comfort zone so many times last year and decided to consciously date without any expectation.
Because honestly, I wouldn’t have been emotionally able to commit to a person just like that.
I needed to heal first.
So, I dated a few guys, and each and everyone was a reflection of my current state, my mirror.
I figured out what I had to heal within myself to one day attract the kind of relationship I want everyone to experience one day, full of trust, independence and love.
Over a period of 7 months I made so much progress and then something interesting happened.
I actually realized, I want commitment.
Not dreaming or fantasizing about it, but actually wanting it.
I guess, that was the last lesson I had to learn.
A guy who isn’t ready to commit emotionally, is not the guy for me.
Me being emotionally ready has been the lesson I’ve been trying to figure out the past 2 months.
It was so obviously clear that I am just mad I didn’t see it earlier.
Anyways, from here on now, I will change a lot of my behavior.
I will only judge a person based on their actual actions and not their potential. Because I have a fixer mentality sometimes as well.
I will only listen to the voice of my intuition, because if I did that in the first place, I would have saved myself a lot of time within numerous circumstances.
But the again, you can’t really rush healing. So, I guess, I commit to make time every day to connect to my inner being.
Even if that means I have to cry oceans every day and let what’s not serving me wash over my face.
I have come a long way from not letting my emotions out at all, to embracing them, to embrace true connection and now the capability of receiving and giving love.
What a journey, hey?!
Universe, I officially set the intention to get ready for everything I want. Love, success, friendship, freedom, constant creativity and whatever is meant for me and I haven’t yet allowed into my space.
If you have read until here.
I couldn’t write another practical guide for you to do inner work currently.
But I hope you take some lessons away from my authentic words.
If you want to attract love, always know there’s more to it than just wishing for it. You gotta do the work inside.
But if I can do it, as a prior absolute commitment phobe – you can do it too!
If you need someone to talk to or more details how I have gone about this process, you know I’m only a dm away.
You can send me one at @vam_po 🙂
Until next time…
Shine your light,