I know it has been a long time since I’ve written a health post. This was due to the fact that my treatment has stayed the same and also the individual steps mostly took 3 months to show an effect.
And these were suited to fit my individual situation.
But now, I have something to present to you that I am not only proud of, but also can stand behind 1000%.
Something I have recommended to literally every person I talked to about it since then.
Maybe you have seen it (if you follow me on insta), I’ve been to Berlin again.
But not to visit friends.
Nope, I went to a shamanic retreat with ayahuasca over the weekend.
And that was the best decision I have made in a while, or well, probably ever.
General information about Ayahuasca
Ayahuasca is an entheogenic brew made out of liana (Banisteriopsis caapi) vine and other ingredients such as chacruna (Psychotria viridis) or chagropanga (Diplopterys cabrerana). These plants contain a relatively high amount of DMT.
This neurotransmitter is already present in the brain, blood, lungs and other parts of the human body.
Ayahuasca is sacred to the indigenous tribes in the Amazon basin and used as medicine in shamanic ceremonies.
It induces an altered state of consciousness, from acting mildly sedating to showing heavy visionary experiences. It is a psychedelic.
The tribes use it to connect their soul to the Amazon in a spiritual way, to heal diseases, mental and physical, to find answers to problems through communication with Mother Earth.
My retreat schedule & experience
DAY 1 – Rapé & Setting Intentions:
I arrived on a Friday evening. I was very anxious as I went alone and didn’t know what to expect at all.
That evening, there was dinner first and then the first circle already.
Dumb little me could have google rapé (pronounced HA-PAY), but I thought they just meant setting our intentions sitting in a circle.
Hard no, haha. Rapé is tobacco that is supposed to be snuffed via kuripe (self-inducing) or blown into the nostrils via tepi by another person.
So, I thought, well ok, I haven’t smoked anything in over 2 1/2 years, but let’s do this.
Thanks to my neighbor, I got a few tips beforehand, how to behave correctly to prevent a painful experience. Because of the rapé’s direct contact with the sinus membranes, obviously, the nose releases a lot of slime.
Now, I sat there, heart pounding, with an open mouth, inhaled through the nose, waiting for the first hit.
Boom, ouch, tears.
The rapé hitting my sinus membrane burnt a bit, and I had a short headache, or better mind clearance.
Then I lost my sense of balance, was a bit overwhelmed and shocked, but calm at the same time.
I waited until being fully conscious and feeling stable to get the other hit.
Better already, little tears streaming down my face, but I think I’ve inhaled too early the first time, and did better the second.
Same reaction, I needed some time to recover. Less, but still a bit of time until I went back to my place.
That’s the moment when you start to produce a looot of spit.
Taking a bucket with you or at least a mug is necessary, because you need to spit it all out.
A few hours it feels like after doing an inhalation when having a cold, but nicer. MUCH nicer.
Because even though it’s not the prettiest thing to spit the whole time, the mind just gets so calm.
I’ve never felt so much at peace.
Rapé is used for different effects. But overall you can expect clarity, strength, cleansing and inner alignment as well as connection to mother nature from it.
There are several types of rapé. We had 3 kinds. One for connection with the earth, or inner strength or, well, I didn’t see the last one 😀
Ok, so, under the influence of rapé we all got handed a rattle and an eagle feather and said what we wished to experience working with the holy medicine called ayahuasca.
You can guess what I said.
Yes, healing, physical and mental healing, alignment, trust, strength to help other people healing.
DAY 2 – Ayahuasca ceremony 1
After a good night’s sleep, we all had breakfast together.
Middayish is when the ceremony started.
The medicine is praised by the shaman and everybody gets their portion.
So, it was said, beginners or those who want to get to know the plant, should start with 1/2 a shot glass. I thought that’s me.
Well, insert interruption by my neighbours (highly experienced with ayahuasca btw – thankful they were next to me).
“Nirina, you are taking a full glass, right?”
Me: “Ehm, I thought…”
Them: “No, no, no, you gotta take the whole glass, otherwise you won’t get the full experience. Trust us, nothing bad can happen.”
Me: “I don’t know. Why do they give me the right to choose anyways? I’m the worst at this.”
Smart me decided to just stand there and wait for the shaman to pour me the right amount (no, he doesn’t speak German).
3/4 of a shot glass it was then.
They warned me about the taste. You can suck on a little piece of an apple if you can’t bear it.
I drank the medicine, smiled, turned away and went back to my place, exclaiming loudly: “I don’t know what your guys’ problem is, but this is so tasty!” while sitting down.
Always good for a laugh 😀 I don’t know why, but it seems like I don’t mind weird tasting stuff, but I guess on an overall taste scale, this would not be considered a gourmet drink 😀
Enough with that.
After everyone has had their share of ayahuasca, the circle is opened by the shaman (and his partner and musicians) with Ikaros.
These are traditional indigenous chants.
They are used to “activate” the medicine and connect us as participants to the Amazon, call the ancient spirits as well as induce the expansion of our consciousnesses.
This was the moment of truth. My biggest fear: to have to vomit straight for 6-9 hours.
Everybody starts to chant (or tries to :D) and it all starts slowly.
I felt mild discomfort and urge to puke for a few minutes, but I breathed through it and then, BOOM.
Let’s begin my adventure.
A nice woman, who has healed herself from cancer markers!, told me to talk to the plant, ask questions and be very clear in my thoughts and wishes. So I did.
My first question was: Why am I sick? What is the root cause?
The answer: I yawn, and yawn and yawn. Then my jaw starts to make weird movements, tries to balance out the dislocation and I feel so much f***ing pain there. Meanwhile seeing black clouds of energy passing through there. Like an x-ray of my face, but with energy.
Then I start to stretch my neck, turn my head, jaw, upper body in all sorts of directions trying to clear the tension within my muscles.
Bear in mind, this wasn’t my doing. This was all the medicine.
The whole process took about 1 hour after finally it stopped and I sat there in a meditation pose.
With the changing of the songs, things happened to my spirit. One time, I was catapulted down on my back, starting to melt together with my surroundings.
I felt molecules that weren’t my body, but feeling like they belong.
I felt nature breezes, darkness, light rushing through me in intervals.
I heard a crying baby, identifying that this was in fact me, just wanted to be loved fully.
Tears streaming down my face out of nowhere, crying, because of a pain that didn’t belong to me.
I felt smiling stupidly, grinning over both of my ears the next second, tasting colors, seeing patterns of prisms reoccurring from time to time.
I became one with matter, one with the Amazon, deeply rooted with nature. I felt my place in the world. I felt everyone’s place in the world.
It was scary, fascinating, painful and beautiful. Warm and cozy, yet cold and hurting at times.
After 7 hours of music and visions, we were slowly returning to reality. I couldn’t quite “get out”, but so did a lot of people.
Closing the circle with the same chants that opened it, hand in hand standing together, arriving back, didn’t do it for all of us.
Oh well, maybe also because I forgot to write, there was a second glass if we wanted. And my body truly made me understand I needed a second dose (just 1/4th of a shot glass).
We talked about our experiences. A lot. Excited for the next day. A very different experience for me.
DAY 3 – Ayahuasca ceremony 2
Little prehistory. It is needed to understand my second experience.
The tribes creates jewellery and clothes under the influence of ayahuasca, containing the strength of the plant in the patterns of said pieces.
We were allowed to try out and wear things to the second ceremony.
One bracelet made my hand shake like crazy and I asked a dude from the helper team if that’s a good sign.
He answered it would be a great sign, it has a message for me and I need it to be delivered to me.
Obviously I wore it and now we get directly into what happened on day 2.
First of all, I didn’t get into the state of mind as quickly as the day before, but I tried to concentrate and after a while everything started up.
A loud, painful scream deafened and shocked me half to death. I widely opened my eyes out of fear, but I saw no one screaming.
Trying to bear the pain (having the words in the back of my mind that a message is awaiting me), I closed my eyes again.
The scream lasted, but it wasn’t mine, I was supposed to comfort and then it was gone. A big door opened and through it streamed pure light.
Warmth, love, flower scent. I’ve never ever in my life was so gobsmacked and surrounded by so much harmony.
The songs, all having a different effect again, were mostly full of happiness.
My body was weighed down and I started to hunt these light balls within vibrant changing warm colors (red, orange).
After a few minutes I realized I wasn’t behaving like a human. I was acting like or better being a wildcat. Not any wildcat, but a jaguar.
Insert meaning of bracelet: The patterns mean flower and jaguar. More precisely a jaguar strutting gracefully, attentively and boldly through nature, knowing exactly where it wants to go, inherited with pure strength.
My hands, I kid you not, were formed like paws. I was childish, feminine, playful, but ambitious and cunning.
I was able to capture a light ball, smearing it all over my body, trying to suck it in and keep it in, to heal my wounds, to replace the dark energy with light.
That’s how it felt.
Once I finished that task, and the song changed again, I was drawn upwards starting to move in shapes of a snake (the protective symbol of the tribe my shaman comes from).
I felt like I was made out of pure love, harmony, trust, positive energy and joy. I felt like the spirit of the Amazon was planting a seed deep inside my human body.
So. f***ing. much. love. I always try to describe it, but I can’t. You have to have felt it. It’s unreal. Outta this world, yet present at the same time.
Emotion, sounds, pictures, visions, touch, everything is heightened to a level that can only be called parallel to ‘our reality’.
Take your most beautiful memory, the first time you fell in love or anything else, and multiply it by 36396227470. That’s how I felt for over 6 hours.
The whole atmosphere changed at the end of the ceremony. Almost everyone was standing up and dancing, all in their own rhythm, but together presenting a full harmonious picture.
I didn’t go into the middle, because my body and spirit kept me there. Trying to go against it has proved itself as very useless, so I just watched the whole spectacular while embodying the snake and moving in my own space.
I was so damn sad, not that I really was, I was happier than ever before, but I knew this would be over soon, and I didn’t want this experience to end.
But it did. And compared to the night before, almost everyone was beaming after this one.
Hugging a person in this state is like forming 1 out of 2. No separation, just pure connection.
This is a very shortened version, because I just can’t write down everything I experienced.
Some because it’s too personal and some because it is too hard to understand for someone who hasn’t done this before and also too hard to explain.
I already was lost for words so much trying to explain it to my family and friends.
I not only know why I got sick, I have healed, not fully, but part of my soul.
I have been blessed to have been able to feel every emotion to an extent I didn’t know humans could.
I was so disconnected from my body, from my spirit, from the world. I thought I was already doing a lot, but so much opened up. We can be so much better than this. We can do more. We have to.
Individually and collectively.
We have to be grateful and love ourselves right to the essence of the person we are deep down, every inch, every second of every day.
We have to be mindful, we have to show love and be love all the time.
We have to fix our broken relationships with ourselves and our partners/families/friends.
We have to let go of the thought that there’s a right way to do things. Because there isn’t.
We have to be f***ing happy to be alive. Cherish what we have. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Scream. Heal. Take Love. Give Love. Make Love. Be Love.
Ok, I’m kidding. But life is simple. Do what makes your heart feel warm, what your intuition says is right. Look left and right in a sense of supporting people doing their own thing.
Eat less meat. Try to be more sustainable. Be kind. Always.
I am recommending doing a retreat to every single person I talk to about it.
Family, friends, strangers, everyone who is open-minded about spirituality, people who are hurting, people who lack (self)love, people needing advice, people feeling disconnected, people being happy, but wanting to strengthen their bond to nature and the rest of the world. Literally everyone.
If you are concerned about the legality of ayahuasca. I can’t guarantee anything.
But if you ask me:
We live in a world where a lot of substances are ruled as illegal which are purely or derived from plants. Substances that exist in nature without our intervention.
On the other hand, doctors, pharmacists, scientists, politicians etc. pass or abide their work by laws about safe usage of 100% chemically produced drugs (these people are ruled by ego and/or fear, but overall definitely by the gutting feeling of not being in control).
Haven’t you ever thought this is strange?
In my own experience, these kind of substances aren’t here to heal people from their root causes of their illnesses, but rather mask the symptoms and are heavily addicting to the organism. Ergo moneymakers, because people become highly dependant on them.
How did it happen that we are more afraid to go back to nature and try medicine that was used for centuries than popping synthetic pills?
Because we have all been a bit brainwashed by society and the only way out is to expand our consciousness again.
And this, sadly, but true, is what happens when people turn to alcohol and drugs, but also through breathing techniques and meditation.
If you ask me, I wouldn’t call ayahuasca a drug, because on its own, it isn’t. It wouldn’t work as medicine on its own.
I also wouldn’t call the medicine a drug, because it’s not addicting (in a comparison to other drugs, or alcohol, but really, humans can get addicted to everything, from substances, to food, to shoes, to social media etc.; Addiction is an abusive behaviour).
As far as I know, in laws only DMT is illegal, not the plant on its own, but I’m no lawyer. And honestly, I really don’t give a rat’s ass. Because I just can’t stand supporting industries who keep people from healing holistically and letting them endure more pain any longer.
I always say live and let live. Our bodies, our decisions.
So yeah, if these ceremonies sound like a good idea to you, do them.
On the last day, there would have been another ceremony with Kambô which is frog poison.
I’ve heard the skin is burnt a bit and some drops of the poison put on the wound. Then the body goes into a process where it thinks it dies.
Therefore goes into a survival mode, revving up the adrenaline, muscles tightening etc.
The visions are supposed to be very strong although the whole process only lasts about half an hour.
I couldn’t do it due to my return ticket to Duesseldorf, but I look forward to trying it out next time. Because one thing I know for sure.
This experience isn’t something I want to miss in my life and healing is a process.
I think with every ceremony, a person is going deeper in their own layers and more connected to the own soul, but also to all other creatures and the universe collectively.
Here’s also a song which was played during the ceremonies, if you’re interested. Listening to it connects the soul:
So much for my experience and thoughts on ayahuasca and the retreat in general.
If I made you curious and you have still some unanswered question you need to get off your chest:
I’m always happy about comments or e-mails and to connect with my readers. So, don’t hesitate, I always have an ear open for you guys!
Have a wonderful day and never forget to cherish life every second!