21, 21, 21! Today marks the 21st year of my being here. And I imagined this day to be very different to what it actually is.
I dreamed of taking my girl squad to Vegas or Disneyland, dressing up in elegant gowns, wandering like a nomad through mysterious pathways in unknown countries or celebrating big with loved ones.
My disappointment is great, because today is the second birthday I just can’t enjoy, still having this pain and disease to deal with. I mean, at least I’m not in hospital getting yet another gastroscopy like last year. However, I still needed to have one of my infusions.
Today was the 6th and I am on edge. How many infusions will I need until I’m finally able to start treatment?
Trying to initiate conversation with my doctor, back in my mind I thought, don’t let this get to you. Be patient and don’t be upset with people trying to show you their appreciation. I’ll be honest, when I woke up this morning I wished I had the power to make everyone forget my birthday. It is painful to respond to them. I know they mean well and I am thankful for receiving their birthday wishes. But part of me resents them, wants to push them a way and not let them see me hurting, still. Nevertheless, in the future, I would regret isolating myself by ignoring them.
Dr C. gave me the best present for my birthday in this situation. Even though he didn’t quite believe I was ready and actually only treats absolutely emergency cases, he will not send me to yet another doctor. He will take my treatment upon himself.
I’m so thankful, because of all the doctors I went to, I only trusted two. One is him. Now, I’m happy to reveal, I will start on friday!
Looking into the future, I could see improvement 2 to 3 treatments in.
Additionally, he will also take a look at my jaw. I have a slipped disk since 2012 and the orthodontist I visited, told me nothing could be done. I simply needed get used to it and wear a splint every night to not further the damage. Oh, was he wrong! Seriously, I pledge for doctor’s to be reevaluated after certain periods of time and be threatened to lose their medical license, if they don’t adapt to new medical insights.
I don’t want to jinx it, but my hope is grand to be able to live a normal life soon.
In my mind, I know exactly what I want to do, once this is all over. Recelebrating my birthday, for exemple. I want to reconnect with friends living all over the world. Traveling with my friends as well as alone. I want to challenge my fears, learn skills I always wanted to acquire. Taking time is crucial, but next winter term, I know exactly that I want to enrol in a university again. I thought a lot about what I’m passionate about. And I was never this clear minded about what I see for myself in the future.
I’ve set my goals ridiculously high, but I’d rather try and fail. Experience is wisdom.
Until then, I’ll stay strong, be humble and reassure myself constantly.